why I still hold my 5 year old in church

moms. do you remember the day that became your name? it was probably a long day. you were probably in a hospital. you waited for 9 long months. and the moment you were waiting for all along came. and it was beautiful.

the day I became a mother looked nothing like that. I spent about 9 months waiting. and 9 days knowing exactly what was coming. I didn't sleep much the night before either. I got a call on a Thursday asking if we were ready to offer a home to two brothers. for however long was needed. without hesitation we said yes! they told us they would come to live with us the next Tuesday. they ended up coming the following Saturday. I spent 9 days imagining their faces, praying for them (even though it took the case worker a couple of days to even give me their names) and anticipating their arrival. I could write 10 pages full of details about that day. but for now that isn't what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about every day after that day. 

I love all 3 of my boys more than I ever thought possible. I end most days feeling like every last bit of energy I had went into parenting them. and most days I feel pretty confident that I did a good job. 

I am sure I don't have to tell you. it is a meticulous balance. holding on and letting go. I am a firm believer in independence and responsibility. I think it brings healing to kids in these kinds of situations faster than most anything else. I love them. and I want them to always know that. but nothing can replace them loving themselves and being confident and capable. I am hard on them but it has served them well so far.

so I am sure sometimes my behavior doesn't make sense. my 5 year old will be 6 in 3 months. he is getting so tall. he is learning to read and he lost his first tooth last week. I make him load his own dishes in the dishwasher. he cleans the toilet. he can even fold laundry. 

he is growing so much and I am so proud of him. but most Sunday mornings, if you came to our church, you would see me holding him as if he were 2. during worship he wraps his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist and I sing the songs to him. when it is time to pray he rests his head on my shoulder. sometimes he even drifts off to sleep. I give him as many kisses as he allows and run my hands through his curly hair. now I know we probably look crazy. I look around the sanctuary and think 'no one else does this'. and it won't be long before he notices that too and he decides he doesn't want me to hold him anymore. but for now, as long as I can. I hold him like he is a baby boy. you see. I remember the day I became his mom. but I have no memories of his birth. I never changed his diaper. I didn't potty train him. I didn't see his first steps. I wasn't there for birthdays 1-3. 

I love him just as much as any other mother loves her child. we are intensely bonded in a way I never thought possible. but those are memories that will never exist for me. now don't misread this blog. I am not mourning that. I am not jealous of anyone else's experiences. I have so much peace and confidence about our relationship. but if you look over at me on one Sunday morning and I am in a puddle of tears, it is probably because he finally looked at me and said "I don't need you to hold me anymore!" I am sure I will be a blubbering mess on that day. (and thankfully soon after that, his little brother will come into "big church" with us so I can hold him) but until then, I will be holding my beautiful 5 year old baby boy every Sunday!

(and since we are still one more court date away from being able to show you his handsome face, here is a shot of his beautiful curls!)