a letter for biggie

dear bigs,
I hope that one day you are reading this because I gave it to you to read. I am writing it because I am honestly terrified that I may not have that opportunity.
you have had my heart from day one. all in one day, we met. you asked for kisses. you called me "Momma". you ran to me for comfort when you were scared. all in 12 short hours. you latched on to me unlike anything I had ever seen before. it was kind of scary and sad. but you made me feel more needed than I ever have before. but it was a feeling that I have since fallen in love with.
I love being your mom. that is still weird for me to say. you mostly call me "Sarah Jane". we love snuggling. though lately you will hardly sit still long enough for this to happen. you love riding your bike and playing in the yard. and I love playing with you and watching.
I love how good you are with your brother. you love him so much. you look out for him and take care of him. and he is your favorite play mate. I love the way you can't say his name right and that you ask to sleep in his bed with him on the weekends.
you are the most coordinated little kid I have ever met. you knew how to snap at 3. you have mastered flips and monkey bars and hitting a ball with a bat. and you are a phenomenal dancer. so fun.
every time now that I really stop and watch you do these things, which is at least once a day, I can't help but question how much longer I will get to tickle and snuggle you? how many more balls I will get to throw you? how many more times I will be able to kiss you? will you go live with someone else? will they let you visit us and your brother? will you be able to spend the night? will that make it all so much harder? will anything make it easier? will your brother be able to sleep in a room without you? will any of us feel like our house is a home without you?
I obviously hope that you live in a house with me and your brother and Aaron for at least 14 more years. but in the event that you don't, there are a few things that I hope you know:
I hope you know who Jesus is. that He loves you and that He is the answer to everything you need.
I hope you know that you are a phenomenal kid. that you are capable of anything you put your mind to. that you are worthy and loved
I hope that you have confidence and independence. I have tried my best to teach that to you by making you clean up after your self and whipe your own rear end. that is what "they" say makes a child confident and independent. I hope "they" are right.
I hope you still remember the words to "Baby Beluga" and "Shake it Off" and all the other songs that brought you so much joy as a 4 year old. and I hope they still put a smile on your face.
I hope you find success and love and happiness. but most of all, if you are ever doubting yourself, I hope you know that no matter where you are or what you've done, no matter who or what you are up against, no matter what all the legal documents say, that you are still my boy. and I am still your Sarah Jane. and I will ALWAYS love you!
love,
Sarah Jane