mothers day... something to blog about
I haven't blogged in a while. I was kinda waiting for something to blog about. a lot has been going on but not much I know how to comment on to the masses. we moved the boys to a different daycare this past week. it killed us to leave our previous daycare. however, with my new job it is just more convenient. they love it though. the transition has gone really smoothly. they haven't seen their mom in 3 weeks. if I am being honest, I am almost glad when this happens. they take several days to recover from visits. it really messes with their emotions. it is so surprising how aware they are of everything.
obviously today is mothers day. it is my first mothers day. that feels weird to type. I realized today sitting at church that I have never truly identified myself as their "mother". I know that I am their caretaker and advocate. I know that I am someone they can trust and love and confide in. I have. wiped tears and given bathes. I have fixed suppers and tickled tummies. by almost all accounts I am their mother. almost. a sudden rush of conflicting emotions came over me once I came to this realization. I thought, "I wish these boys could see their mother on mothers day. but she doesn't deserve that. yet they do. yet they don't deserve that. they deserve better. they deserve me?"
mothering them is so easy. they are beautiful little boys. their smiles and laughter make you forget about all there is that isn't good in this world. they love with all their hearts.
mothering them is so hard. there are emotional hurdles and struggles do to their past. they constantly fight to be in control. they always struggle with whether or not they can trust. it is hard to look at them and not think of her.
it is hard to love them and not love her. and in a really weird way, one I will probably never be able to articulate, I do love her. I also have all kinds of negative feelings towards her. I want better for her. I want her to want better for them. I want them to be ours forever. I want her to get it together so that she can raise them and give them the life they deserve. I never want to have another mothers day without them. I never want them to have another mothers day without her.
people ask me how their mother is doing. when I say, not well, people assume this is good for us. but what is hard to understand for people who haven't been in this situation, is that no gain can come without some loss.
we go to court tomorrow. it is just a "check-up" type thing. no major decisions will be made. I have no idea what to expect. we haven't been to juvenile court before.
we are still anxiously awaiting an addition to our family. the bedroom is "ready". we went ahead and told them we were ready to be considered and they said they would call us the next time they needed a "placement". like most, we have a busy summer so we are hoping and praying for God's timing.
that's about all for now. so anyway, happy mothers day to all! I hope y'all had a good one :)
obviously today is mothers day. it is my first mothers day. that feels weird to type. I realized today sitting at church that I have never truly identified myself as their "mother". I know that I am their caretaker and advocate. I know that I am someone they can trust and love and confide in. I have. wiped tears and given bathes. I have fixed suppers and tickled tummies. by almost all accounts I am their mother. almost. a sudden rush of conflicting emotions came over me once I came to this realization. I thought, "I wish these boys could see their mother on mothers day. but she doesn't deserve that. yet they do. yet they don't deserve that. they deserve better. they deserve me?"
mothering them is so easy. they are beautiful little boys. their smiles and laughter make you forget about all there is that isn't good in this world. they love with all their hearts.
mothering them is so hard. there are emotional hurdles and struggles do to their past. they constantly fight to be in control. they always struggle with whether or not they can trust. it is hard to look at them and not think of her.
it is hard to love them and not love her. and in a really weird way, one I will probably never be able to articulate, I do love her. I also have all kinds of negative feelings towards her. I want better for her. I want her to want better for them. I want them to be ours forever. I want her to get it together so that she can raise them and give them the life they deserve. I never want to have another mothers day without them. I never want them to have another mothers day without her.
people ask me how their mother is doing. when I say, not well, people assume this is good for us. but what is hard to understand for people who haven't been in this situation, is that no gain can come without some loss.
we go to court tomorrow. it is just a "check-up" type thing. no major decisions will be made. I have no idea what to expect. we haven't been to juvenile court before.
we are still anxiously awaiting an addition to our family. the bedroom is "ready". we went ahead and told them we were ready to be considered and they said they would call us the next time they needed a "placement". like most, we have a busy summer so we are hoping and praying for God's timing.
that's about all for now. so anyway, happy mothers day to all! I hope y'all had a good one :)
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