so we sold the van.

when I became a foster mom over 8 years ago, my goal was to make as big of an impact as possible. then this meant as many beds as possible for as many children as possible to sleep in. for years it felt like a revolving door in our home. I had this all consuming desire to do more. to say yes to more.

I don't remember the exact moment but at some point I saw it. the van. I knew immediately I had to have one. it seats 10-15?! space for kids and carpool and sports gear and even room for the largest Sam's haul. sign me up. it took years to achieve this dream. until it was time. 

we bought the van. for me it was symbolic. I had reached this status of being super foster mom. saving all the children. we even had room to transport their bio family around for visits. and all of the kids friends. and when we pulled into the car line at school - talk about an entrance. I drove this big white beast proudly. like a badge of honor. 

months went by and over time it's charm wore thin. it was difficult to drive (and park).  and super uncomfortable. it was a rolling dumpster. due to the depth and how far the kids were from me, I had no control over all they ate and left in the van. it had no bells and no whistles. 

but I still needed (and mostly wanted) it. after all. I couldn't juggle all of the love and fun and chaos without it?!

Tuesday morning I got the text message that changed everything. my time as foster mom was ending. one day I may be able to share more details of possibly the worst 48 hours of my life. but for now we will stay focused on less traumatic things. 

when I laid in bed that night processing all of the change that was rapidly approaching it hit me. I looked at Aaron and said "I want to sell the van and get a 4runner". to which he replied "okay". we have had more discussion over what quantity of toilet paper to buy. but this. he knew. no discussion necessary. 

the next morning as I drove the van around, knowing what was to come- it didn't feel spacious and exciting. it felt like a big clunky weight. a reminder of everything hard and heartbreaking and exhausting over the past year and a half. I knew it had to go.

skip forward 12 hellacious hours and I am vegging out on one couch with Aaron on the other. I picked up my phone and rapidly googled 4runners. I asked Aaron to join in. after sending links back and forth, we found several contenders. I announced that I intended to go get one the next day and he agreed. 

the next morning I got on the phone with a couple dealers 2 hours away in different directions. we negotiated and hammered out details and the stars aligned. the dealer with my first choice car agreed to give us what we needed for the van. I called my mom and we hopped in the van and we were off. 

as I cruise into this next chapter of my life, my new car symbolizes my new outlook. the past year has reminded me that I have been legally and permanently entrusted with 5 children and a husband. they are the best parts of my life and deserve the best of me. I can only give them this when I know my limits. this new ride has exactly 7 seats. just enough room for our family. 

the heartbreak that still exists is deep and wide. but I am looking to the future with great hope and joy in the opportunity to invest in my tribe.