why we are done with foster care

 I am done being a foster mom. 

that is a sentence I was never sure I would say. it holds lots of feelings, both good and bad. 

I will miss so many things that come with accepting a new child into your home. whether it was for a night or 8 years. 

my hostess heart loved making preparations and accomodations for someone new to enter our home. I was thrilled for the opportunity to help someone feel loved, seen, wanted, and known.

I won't miss so many things about this title I have worn for the past 8+ years. more days than not, that title was so heavy. parenting and all of its moving parts is challenging enough. add in navigating the system (DFCS, CAPS, WIC, and so many other entities and acronyms), relationships with biological family, visits, appointments, court, trying to respect the child's culture and background- I could go on. but I am sure you get it. 

I have known since shortly after we said "yes" to M almost 3 years ago, that he would be our last "yes". the tension was growing. in his time with us, we lost one of our kids moms, and lived through a tumultuous time with the other. we navigated so many joys with our children as well as so many challenges. but in so many major and miniscule moments, I knew. this is it. we're done.

but I will never regret it. not one single yes. everyone says "I couldn't do it. I couldn't give them back!" or something to that effect. and countless yes's later, I still haven't figured it out. I can't just "give them back" either. and this last one has by far been the hardest. but none of that makes it not worth it.  

this journey has brought me 5 precious children. I will never be able to express how grateful that I am to be there mom. this isn't how it was meant to be. and their road before and beyond meeting me was full of heartbreak. but I consider myself fortunate, to be the one to walk beside them and pick up the pieces together. 

they have made me a better version of myself. I have a greater appreciation and understanding of different cultures, backgrounds, occupations, ways of living and walks of life because of them. I have gained connections to their families and the people that were in their lives before us that I wouldn't change for the world. 

I have met so many amazing people along this journey that have changed my life. I have made connections that will last a lifetime. this life is something you can't truly understand until you have lived it. spending time with people who get it was, and still is, essential. 

I know without a doubt that being a foster mom was one of my greatest callings. and I am grateful for the opportunity to live that out. I stepped into that role boldly and with great confidence. it is with just as much confidence that I boldly step out of it. I know that my next calling is even more significant than the last- to parent my 5 legal and forever children with devotion and intentionality. 

(I know this is old. we'll be taking new ones soon)

I look forward to this next season. I know that it will be better for our marriage. the last 8 years have taken a toll on Aaron and I. we have been actively working on our relationship with each other for the past year and I can honestly say I love him more than I ever knew I could. I am excited for what the future holds for us. 

in 16 days we move into our new (maybe forever? 🤯) home. don't ask me how packing os going. but I digress. I know that great things are ahead of us. I am thankful to settle in to a life with less stress and looking over our shoulder. I am glad to move forward with a little more permanency in our future. 

this next chapter will look so different. but I have no doubt that it will bring so much healing and so much love.