firsts
"the first cut is the depest"
"you never forget your first"
there are different kids of firsts. we have a 4 year old in our house who is preparing for his first day of preschool at the "big kid school" on Monday and he is so excited.
when I think back on different "firsts" in my life, lots of things come to mind. my first date with Aaron, which was my first date period. my first time driving my car by myself. my first day as a mom. my first pet.
one of my most vivid memories of a lot of firsts for me was the day my Nanna died. my mom's mother. I was very close to her, to be only 6 years old. I remember it was the first time I had ever cried so much my throat hurt. you know that feeling I am talking about. I can't cry that hard to this day without being reminded of that moment. I have felt that tightness in my throat several times in the past couple of weeks as we face another first.
I have been talking thru this blog in my head for almost two weeks now. it has without a doubt, been the hardest two weeks of my life. I wanted to wait to blog until I had closure and answers. but that looks like that is at least another week away. so here is what is going on right now.
I can't give many specifics, so sorry for the vague descriptions. as you know, a little girl came to live with us May 20th. she is biologically an only child. we don't even have any concrete answers of what she has been through but her behavior suggest that she carries around way more than any 5 year old should.
the caseworkers told us we wouldn't even have her through the summer and that she would hopefully be going to live with an aunt. it became apparent that that wasn't happening in the near future about a month ago. so we started thinking about her being in our life beyond July.
in the midst of all of that we began to face a more present reality. we can't give her what she needs. she is an only child. that is part of her identity. she was taken away from her home. the place she knew and the people she loved. that is hard enough in and of itself. she has other issues to sort through on top of that. and then you strip away part of her identity by trying to force her to be a sibling. overnight. with people she has never met. it isn't working.
we knew going in to this whole foster care thing that the days would come where we would get calls telling us that the children in our home had to leave, against our will. I know that day will be hard. one day I never prepared for though was the day I had to make the call and tell the caseworkers on the other end of the phone that a child needed to be transferred because we can't parent her the way she needs.
but that is what we had to do. we put in a "10 day transfer" request. but she isn't actually being transferred within 10 days. which obviously makes total sense. we don't know where she is going or when. we have ideas of what we think should happen and hopes that she ends up in a better situation. but there is nothing decided at this point.
none of the children know anything at this point so please be aware of that. we didn't want to say "hey, you are leaving! but we don't know when or where you are going?!"
so please, friends and family, as often as you think of us, pray. pray for our princess, and the boys, and whoever her new foster parents will be, and Aaron and me and the rest of our friends and family who will deal with the fall out of all of this. and pray for the caseworkers. and my relations with them through all of this. thank you for continuing to pray for our princess.
"you never forget your first"
there are different kids of firsts. we have a 4 year old in our house who is preparing for his first day of preschool at the "big kid school" on Monday and he is so excited.
when I think back on different "firsts" in my life, lots of things come to mind. my first date with Aaron, which was my first date period. my first time driving my car by myself. my first day as a mom. my first pet.
one of my most vivid memories of a lot of firsts for me was the day my Nanna died. my mom's mother. I was very close to her, to be only 6 years old. I remember it was the first time I had ever cried so much my throat hurt. you know that feeling I am talking about. I can't cry that hard to this day without being reminded of that moment. I have felt that tightness in my throat several times in the past couple of weeks as we face another first.
I have been talking thru this blog in my head for almost two weeks now. it has without a doubt, been the hardest two weeks of my life. I wanted to wait to blog until I had closure and answers. but that looks like that is at least another week away. so here is what is going on right now.
I can't give many specifics, so sorry for the vague descriptions. as you know, a little girl came to live with us May 20th. she is biologically an only child. we don't even have any concrete answers of what she has been through but her behavior suggest that she carries around way more than any 5 year old should.
the caseworkers told us we wouldn't even have her through the summer and that she would hopefully be going to live with an aunt. it became apparent that that wasn't happening in the near future about a month ago. so we started thinking about her being in our life beyond July.
in the midst of all of that we began to face a more present reality. we can't give her what she needs. she is an only child. that is part of her identity. she was taken away from her home. the place she knew and the people she loved. that is hard enough in and of itself. she has other issues to sort through on top of that. and then you strip away part of her identity by trying to force her to be a sibling. overnight. with people she has never met. it isn't working.
we knew going in to this whole foster care thing that the days would come where we would get calls telling us that the children in our home had to leave, against our will. I know that day will be hard. one day I never prepared for though was the day I had to make the call and tell the caseworkers on the other end of the phone that a child needed to be transferred because we can't parent her the way she needs.
but that is what we had to do. we put in a "10 day transfer" request. but she isn't actually being transferred within 10 days. which obviously makes total sense. we don't know where she is going or when. we have ideas of what we think should happen and hopes that she ends up in a better situation. but there is nothing decided at this point.
none of the children know anything at this point so please be aware of that. we didn't want to say "hey, you are leaving! but we don't know when or where you are going?!"
so please, friends and family, as often as you think of us, pray. pray for our princess, and the boys, and whoever her new foster parents will be, and Aaron and me and the rest of our friends and family who will deal with the fall out of all of this. and pray for the caseworkers. and my relations with them through all of this. thank you for continuing to pray for our princess.
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