a letter for M

dear sweet M,

it's been 10 months since you have gone away. almost a whole year. I find myself thinking of you more this time of year. I don't think I really comprehended that last Christmas would be our last with you. 

I miss your laugh and your joy and your hugs. about this time of night you had gotten in the habit of getting out of bed and coming to snuggle with me on the couch. I know I should have put you back to bed, but I couldn't do it. I knew more time with you wasn't guaranteed. 

as I type this another sweet baby boy lays in my arms. we welcomed him and his sister into our home in October. they remind us of you in all of the best ways. I am sure some might think of them as your replacements. that we brought them to our home to fill the void you left. I promise you that could not be further from the truth. no one could ever take your place. you will always have a piece of the hearts of all of us that loved you. 

but you see this is all so much bigger than you and me. we cared for you the best we could.  I know that we gave you all of our very best. but all the while, your biological grandmother longed for you to be with her. we were skeptical about what was best for you. but I never doubted her love for you. I have been told that you are thriving. and for that I am truly grateful. I don't regret one moment of being your mom. I would do it all over again. so much of what happened with "the system" while you were in our home made me never want to go through the process again. but everything that happened with you made me know that it would be worth it if we did. 

Aaron and I have always asked the Lord to shape our family. this path we started down 9 years ago can be so heartbreaking at times. but I know the Lord doesn't make mistakes. shortly after you left I had an undeniable feeling in my gut that we weren't done. I wasn't sure how or when. but I knew there was another child that belonged in our family. several months later, I met her. the Lord's plan started to form in front of us. but it was still confusing how everything would come together. it didn't make sense. it felt like we were wandering in the desert. but then He parted waters and moved mountains. now she and her brother are with us. 

it doesn't negate the loss of you. but it does help us look towards the future and remember that God is good.  I have told myself since you left over and over again that the Lord loves us and that he has good plans and that all of this heartache would make sense one day. but truthfully, there were a lot of days it was hard to believe.   

I pray you grow to know the Lord. I pray that you grow into a man who is strong and good. and makes the world a better place. I pray that one say we find our way back to each other. but if that doesn't come to be, I pray that you know that we have loved you fiercely every day that we have known you. and that will never change. 

 Love, 

Mommy