an overdue update

 it has been 5 months since our world fell apart. day by day we are picking up the pieces together. there is still a lot of brokenness. but there has been so much good as well. 

these 5 are truly closer to each other than they have ever been. it has been a joy to see so much change affect them in some positive ways. I am so grateful to be raising children who are truly best friends. they still fight and argue but not one relationship is consistently hurtful or toxic and that is a huge praise for me. 

our new home and the gorgeous nature that surrounds it has brought much healing. 

for me there are layers to the grief that I carry. 

the first layer is obviously the loss of my son. while fostering children it was always uncomfortable for me to refer to them as my "son" or "daughter". when I called the pediatrician or the school I would usually say "my child". it felt less intimate. more unassuming. I didn't want to disrespect their family of origin or seem like a fraud. 

since losing M it felt absolutely necessary to let my heart know that he was my son.  I didn't birth him, and Lord knows I have held so much space in my heart and mind for the person who did. but in every other way, we belonged to each other. 

and he is gone. he is not dead. he still exists in what feels like a different universe. but my relationship with him is dead. there has been no phone call, no visit, no photo. no evidence has been provided to me that he is still alive. before you think I have really lost it- I know he still exists. but for me to truly process this grief, I have tried to give myself the space to walk through it as if I was mourning the death of my son. because that is my reality. he was my son and he is gone. I have hopes and dreams that one day when he is an adult we will find him and  be able to tell him of the love that we have for him. but for now the relationship and the bond that I had with him is forever gone. 

whew. that paragraph took a lot more out of me than expected to finally get out. so explanation of the other layers will wait for another day. but know that we are healing. slow and steady. clunky and heavy. but our 7 hearts are mending together, one day at a time.