a letter for the baby

dear sweet baby boy,

I don't even know where to start. I wrote letters like this with your brothers. I blogged a lot more back then too. the longer we have been doing this whole foster care thing, the harder it is to find words. things were so black and white in our world 6 years ago. but the longer we are in this the more I see gray.

your story is no exception. it's so hard to see what the future holds and what is best in all the gray. when we first started down this road people were "good" or "bad" and the answers were "yes" or "no".

I love you with all that I am. you are the first baby we have ever cared for and parented. you are an absolute joy. my only complaint is that you have grown too dang fast. Aaron adores you too. and you have 5 other kids in our house that think you are pretty cool. Isaiah is the oldest, he is definitely your favorite. you have always "clicked" with him.

I truly believe we have given you the best of us. sometimes this means you are a little spoiled. but I think that's okay. we brought your tiny 4 pound body home from the hospital over a year ago and I barely remember life before you. now I'm up in the middle of the night because I am scared to imagine life without you. no one has said you are leaving. but they haven't said you are staying either. a lot is uncertain. and that can be so scary. I don't want to think about what would happen to us all if we had to tell you goodbye. 

so here's what I try to focus on... you are so strong. you have proven that from day one. you make your wants and needs known. I hope that never changes. I hope you are always strong enough to fight your own battles. and I hope you are wise enough to know when to stop fighting. I hope you always know that you are fearfully and wonderfully created by a God that loves you and that is bigger than any struggle you might face. 

lastly, no matter where life (and the system) may take you, I hope you always know how much we love you. you will always have a place in our hearts.

love,

your foster momma