a foster mom's response to "forever now"
hello all. it's been almost a year since I have blogged. I tried a couple times. a lot has happened in a year. on the outside things are mostly the same. the reality is that two years ago, the life we had chosen felt like it was bursting at the seams. the last year has largely been a year of healing and growth and learning for me.
I have thought of blogging many times. but I didn't know where to start.
I just watched Michael Buble's Forever Now video
I think that's a good place to start. I have mothered 12 children in less than 5 years. not including 15ish respite loves along the way.
I didn't go into this with a fear of getting "too attached". I was prepared (as much as one can be) for my heart to be ripped out repeatedly for the sake of these children. but it still hurts every day. that doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. or that I am not strong enough. or that we should stop. this has been what the last couple years has consisted of. learning these lessons. it has involved counseling sessions and antidepressants. it has involved yelling and tears and brokenness. not sleeping enough and sleeping too much. losing weight and then putting it back on and losing it again. I knew when the Lord was leading us to foster care that I had lots of control issues which caused me lots of anxiety. I knew this process would be refining for me. especially in that area.
based on the numbers above, we have had a lot of goodbyes. they all came with layers of emotions. the goodbye that has been the hardest to "get over" or move past was almost 2 years ago. he wasn't quite 4 and I had been his mother for 20 months. the circumstances that bring kids to our home are never pretty. but his were particularly heart breaking. he was reunited with family. that is always the goal. but it was the longest we had ever had a child in our home that then left. and it's just plain hard. I have not seen him in over a year. I was sent a picture from his first day of Kindergarten this week. it stopped me dead in my tracks.
he looks so happy and healthy. it is obvious that his lovable spirit is still there. it is obvious that he is loved. I never knew a picture could bring so much healing. I hope to get to see him in person soon. we have been promised this in the past only to be let down so we are trying to keep our emotions in check. but you know how that goes.
and then I watched that video ^. it has floated around the internet with the promise to make parents cry. I scrolled right past it for a while. but today I decided to watch. and it helped me tie a nice pretty bow on a lot of my feelings.
parenting is hard. and every stage goes by too fast and too slow at the same time. the part of foster care that is different is you don't get to see the transitions. I have tucked in 27ish children to bed in my home. I don't know what 22 of their bedrooms look like now. I don't know what toys they like or how they are doing in school. I don't know if they still have the same struggles and strengths. I don't know when they are sick or well or happy or sad. I only know that a handful of them are loved like they deserve. I am so thankful to add my baby boy to the list.
the part of foster parenting that I didn't quite prepare myself for is that I love them "Forever, Now". and when you are not their forever, that love can some days feel like a weight around your neck. but it is so worth it. I hope these little hearts grow and know that no matter where "the system" and life takes them, we love them forever, now.
I have thought of blogging many times. but I didn't know where to start.
I just watched Michael Buble's Forever Now video
I think that's a good place to start. I have mothered 12 children in less than 5 years. not including 15ish respite loves along the way.
I didn't go into this with a fear of getting "too attached". I was prepared (as much as one can be) for my heart to be ripped out repeatedly for the sake of these children. but it still hurts every day. that doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. or that I am not strong enough. or that we should stop. this has been what the last couple years has consisted of. learning these lessons. it has involved counseling sessions and antidepressants. it has involved yelling and tears and brokenness. not sleeping enough and sleeping too much. losing weight and then putting it back on and losing it again. I knew when the Lord was leading us to foster care that I had lots of control issues which caused me lots of anxiety. I knew this process would be refining for me. especially in that area.
based on the numbers above, we have had a lot of goodbyes. they all came with layers of emotions. the goodbye that has been the hardest to "get over" or move past was almost 2 years ago. he wasn't quite 4 and I had been his mother for 20 months. the circumstances that bring kids to our home are never pretty. but his were particularly heart breaking. he was reunited with family. that is always the goal. but it was the longest we had ever had a child in our home that then left. and it's just plain hard. I have not seen him in over a year. I was sent a picture from his first day of Kindergarten this week. it stopped me dead in my tracks.
he looks so happy and healthy. it is obvious that his lovable spirit is still there. it is obvious that he is loved. I never knew a picture could bring so much healing. I hope to get to see him in person soon. we have been promised this in the past only to be let down so we are trying to keep our emotions in check. but you know how that goes.
and then I watched that video ^. it has floated around the internet with the promise to make parents cry. I scrolled right past it for a while. but today I decided to watch. and it helped me tie a nice pretty bow on a lot of my feelings.
parenting is hard. and every stage goes by too fast and too slow at the same time. the part of foster care that is different is you don't get to see the transitions. I have tucked in 27ish children to bed in my home. I don't know what 22 of their bedrooms look like now. I don't know what toys they like or how they are doing in school. I don't know if they still have the same struggles and strengths. I don't know when they are sick or well or happy or sad. I only know that a handful of them are loved like they deserve. I am so thankful to add my baby boy to the list.
the part of foster parenting that I didn't quite prepare myself for is that I love them "Forever, Now". and when you are not their forever, that love can some days feel like a weight around your neck. but it is so worth it. I hope these little hearts grow and know that no matter where "the system" and life takes them, we love them forever, now.
"And I'm always gonna lift you up
No, I'm never gonna let you down
No matter what you do
I'm forever proud of you
I'll love you forever now
No, I'm never gonna let you down
No matter what you do
I'm forever proud of you
I'll love you forever now
I'll love you forever now"
You are one strong human.
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