a beautiful struggle

so I am about to be more vulnerable than I ever have on here before. and it really has nothing to do with foster care. but it has everything to do with who I am. and I didn't want to write about it. I started feeling the Lord nudging me to a little over a week ago. but I didn't. I didn't want to go there. and then on the way home today, I heard a new song on the radio that took me out. tears in my eyes and all. and I knew I had to write this.
so click here and listen to the song before you go further. read the lyrics as you listen and let it sink in. and then come back here.

so. 27+ years ago, I was born. normal, healthy wonderful baby. I grew and became a pretty normal kid.

I was never quite as athletic as my peers. I played soccer. and I was pretty aware of the fact that I was never the best on the team. but I did my best and enjoyed it.
the older I got, the more I felt over weight. I was aware that I was bigger than other kids my age. but I genuinely didn't care. fast forward a few years.

this picture was from a few months before my 16th birthday. within those months, I started to feel like I wasn't good enough. for the first time in my life, I was around people who tore themselves down constantly. it is interesting how that can affect you. I suddenly had thoughts like, "if that is what she thinks of herself, what does she think of me?" I had never evaluated my physical appearance to that level before. so I started making changes. no more eating little debbie cakes every day. and I started drinking diet soda. and then when that didn't get the results I wanted, I started running.
all sounds like moves in a healthier direction. and physically it was. but mentally, I had never been so unhealthy. within a few months, I was running 30 miles a week, easily. I never planned to take more than one day off a week. and if I did, I hated myself for it. I ran every day after school. it was my first priority. this was during my Senior year in high school. I decided to do a half marathon while I was at it.

March 25th, 2010 I ran my first half. this was moments before the race started. my main memories of that morning are of that shirt. a dear friend gave it to me as a gift to wear in the race. knowing that orange was my favorite color, and so that my mom would be able to easily spot me from the side line. but I remember putting it on in the hotel room that morning, and feeling like it made me look fat. I look at that picture now and think "girl, you need a cheese burger!" but to my 17 year old self on the other side of the mirror, I was fat.
so many wonderful things happened to me in my life that year. I made my own prom dress and went to my senior prom.

after graduation, I got to go on a trip to Italy and Greece with a tour group from my school. it was the trip of a life time. but it came at a time when I hated myself. I thought I looked disgusting. and I was so unhappy with myself. I thought running was the only thing that would change this, so I still hated myself if that didn't happen. well that wasn't an option on this trip. I woke up in a different place every other day. and we couldn't go anywhere alone. would you believe none of my room mates even brought running shoes? ;)

not only did I have to go 14 days without running. but it was the first time I had gone 14 days without being in a church since I was 4. this was a lot harder than expected. by the time I got back from this trip, I was such a wreck. I didn't even feel like I could control me own body or emotions. it is so hard to explain. but I was miserable. all over what I saw in the mirror.
once I had hit "rock bottom", the good Lord pulled me out. I asked Him to take away my need to look a certain way. and He did. instantly. I was able to relax and enjoy life again. it really was that simple. I still ran when I felt like it. I ate what I wanted. and got back into a new normal.

fast forward a year, and I started dating the love of my life. I was happy. and I felt pretty confident. this was my first dating relationship. I still exercised occasionally but it became less and less.

as time went by, I slowly gained more and more weight. this made me slightly uncomfortable. but I did my best not to focus on it. I knew I didn't want to go there again.

we got married. at this point, I wasn't exercising at all. and I ate whatever I wanted. within a few months of getting married, I started to realize my weight was a problem. I felt the Lord nudging . I felt like He was saying, "you aren't healed until you can be healthy mentally and physically". you see, it is easy to just put it out of your mind. but in the mean time, my physical health was getting worse. so I tried to exercise to lose weight. and Aaron joined in.

we made progress and worked hard. we were going to the gym several times a week. we tried to eat better too.

I even ran another half marathon. but shortly after that, I lost my motivation. I wasn't loosing weight as fast as I wanted to. so I gave up. a couple more years went by. we became parents. and our personal health was our last concern.

but I kept feeling that nudge, "you have to take care of yourself. you need to take control of your eating, and your body." I wanted to but I was scared. scared to want it to much. scared of not making any progress. but mostly scared of losing weight and losing myself. but I knew I had to take control. I had never controlled my eating as much as I knew I should. 

meanwhile, Aaron's cousin was across the country, posting on Facebook about her weight loss. so through a series of phone calls with her, and lots of prayer, I finally decided to take the plunge. at the end of July this year, I started caring about what went in my body. I started telling myself no. and finding new things I could say yes to. and I have seen results. I am still a little under half way to were I need to be. but I am making changes for the better. I am running again and I love it. it is very therapeutic for me. I only go 2 or 3 days a week. when I feel like it and have time. but it is good for me to have some alone time doing something I enjoy that is healthy.

and I am eating different things in moderation. living within limits. and learning a new lifestyle. 

things are definitely still a struggle. a week ago when I knew I should blog about my journey, I started feeling so attacked. attacked by negative thoughts and feelings about myself. but I did the best I could to not believe them. and I reached out for support. and here I am a week later on the other side of those thoughts. 

I know, unfortunately, that my struggle probably isn't over. but I am committed to progress. so if this is a struggle of yours too, I encourage you to try again. or keep trying. but just keep moving forward. and know that you are beautiful.