learning things the hard way
so I am flawed. I know you are shocked. I bite my nails. I sometimes say things I probably shouldn't. I watch too much reality tv. just to name a few. but one thing, that I have always been pretty proud of is I don't typically have to learn things the hard way. if you totally mess something up, I am going to take note. and not do it the same way. if I do have to try something out and fail, I don't usually make the same mistake twice. usually. I take notes. I avoid repeating the mistake at all costs. but every once in a while I have to learn things the hard way.
my Senior year of high school, I almost didn't graduate. I was in the last semester, taking Physics, Humanities, Shakespeare in Film, and AP Stat. sounds like a blast right? Physics was my biggest struggle. if only it wasn't a required class. but wait. it wasn't. I mean once, I was in it, I had to pass it. but I didn't have to take Physics. I could have taken Physical Science. it was much easier. but the "smart kids" took Physics. and I was a smart kid. I mean after all, I had always been in magnet/gifted/advanced courses. but I had also always been a procrastinator who didn't exactly love school. yet I always wanted to push the limits of how much I could handle.
I did this in college too. at one point I had 5 jobs while in school. I could handle that right? I have always liked being the responsible one. the one that can handle it. the one that you don't need to worry about. and now I am a foster mom. and if I could house every preschooler in Columbus, I would. I love that age. I am good at parenting that age. and so when we get a phone call for a child that age, my first response is to say yes. I ask lots of questions. why are they being moved? are they potty trained? have they experienced any significant trauma? do they have siblings?
we have received 4 phone calls that we said "yes" to. the first and the fourth, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt we were supposed to say "yes" to them. the other two, I knew as the case workers answered the questions, that maybe this was more than we could handle. I knew, saying yes to these kids would push our limits. but I wanted to believe if anybody could handle it, I could. the first time, we gave our all. and it still wasn't enough. we had to make the call to have this child moved. and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
so here we are a year later. I haven't wanted to admit it. I am so disappointed in myself for making the same mistake twice. there isn't much that is more discouraging than giving your all and still coming up short. but it happens. and you have to know when God is telling you to give more, and when He is telling you to give it up.
I know the Lord has prepared a wonderful family for Tiny. I know that he was with us for the time that he was for a specific reason. I also know that his time with us must come to an end. so what does this mean for us? Tiny will go to his new home. it is everyone's hope that tiny and his siblings can go home to their biological mother in the near future. in the mean time, he will be living somewhere that he can receive lots of attention to better prepare him for this big change. we plan to take this time as a family to regroup. I want big things for us. I want lots of kids in our family. I know God wants this too. but He has also been reminding me that I am ONLY 27. I have lots of years to parent ahead of me. everything doesn't have to come over night. and we all 5 need to be as mentally and physically healthy as possible to move forward. so that is what we are focusing on. I may be learning things the hard way, but I AM learning.
I wrote all of this the other day and saved it as a draft. I am glad I did. I had my wits about me then. to be completely honest, tonight I am a blubbering mess. I packed up most of his things today. Tiny will leave Saturday afternoon. and just for some perspective, I leave Sunday for week 2 of kids camp with 100 kids and volunteers. then the following Wednesday, Aaron will have surgery on a herniated disk in his spine and will take 4 weeks to recover. so needless to say, I might be a little over whelmed. but anyway... I want to be real. this is hard. I have mothered this boy for 10 months. and just about every day of those 10 months, my efforts came up short. they weren't enough. and I know this is what he needs. but tonight I sit here telling myself, I could have tried harder. I didn't do enough. I had peace yesterday. and I know I will find it again tomorrow. but tonight that is gone.
we'll be okay. and I certainly don't want pity. but the next month and a half will definitely be challenging. so please as often as you think of our family, please say a prayer of healing for all of our hearts. and Aaron's body. and say a prayer for Tiny. I love you, our precious little Tiny.
my Senior year of high school, I almost didn't graduate. I was in the last semester, taking Physics, Humanities, Shakespeare in Film, and AP Stat. sounds like a blast right? Physics was my biggest struggle. if only it wasn't a required class. but wait. it wasn't. I mean once, I was in it, I had to pass it. but I didn't have to take Physics. I could have taken Physical Science. it was much easier. but the "smart kids" took Physics. and I was a smart kid. I mean after all, I had always been in magnet/gifted/advanced courses. but I had also always been a procrastinator who didn't exactly love school. yet I always wanted to push the limits of how much I could handle.
I did this in college too. at one point I had 5 jobs while in school. I could handle that right? I have always liked being the responsible one. the one that can handle it. the one that you don't need to worry about. and now I am a foster mom. and if I could house every preschooler in Columbus, I would. I love that age. I am good at parenting that age. and so when we get a phone call for a child that age, my first response is to say yes. I ask lots of questions. why are they being moved? are they potty trained? have they experienced any significant trauma? do they have siblings?
we have received 4 phone calls that we said "yes" to. the first and the fourth, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt we were supposed to say "yes" to them. the other two, I knew as the case workers answered the questions, that maybe this was more than we could handle. I knew, saying yes to these kids would push our limits. but I wanted to believe if anybody could handle it, I could. the first time, we gave our all. and it still wasn't enough. we had to make the call to have this child moved. and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
so here we are a year later. I haven't wanted to admit it. I am so disappointed in myself for making the same mistake twice. there isn't much that is more discouraging than giving your all and still coming up short. but it happens. and you have to know when God is telling you to give more, and when He is telling you to give it up.
I know the Lord has prepared a wonderful family for Tiny. I know that he was with us for the time that he was for a specific reason. I also know that his time with us must come to an end. so what does this mean for us? Tiny will go to his new home. it is everyone's hope that tiny and his siblings can go home to their biological mother in the near future. in the mean time, he will be living somewhere that he can receive lots of attention to better prepare him for this big change. we plan to take this time as a family to regroup. I want big things for us. I want lots of kids in our family. I know God wants this too. but He has also been reminding me that I am ONLY 27. I have lots of years to parent ahead of me. everything doesn't have to come over night. and we all 5 need to be as mentally and physically healthy as possible to move forward. so that is what we are focusing on. I may be learning things the hard way, but I AM learning.
I wrote all of this the other day and saved it as a draft. I am glad I did. I had my wits about me then. to be completely honest, tonight I am a blubbering mess. I packed up most of his things today. Tiny will leave Saturday afternoon. and just for some perspective, I leave Sunday for week 2 of kids camp with 100 kids and volunteers. then the following Wednesday, Aaron will have surgery on a herniated disk in his spine and will take 4 weeks to recover. so needless to say, I might be a little over whelmed. but anyway... I want to be real. this is hard. I have mothered this boy for 10 months. and just about every day of those 10 months, my efforts came up short. they weren't enough. and I know this is what he needs. but tonight I sit here telling myself, I could have tried harder. I didn't do enough. I had peace yesterday. and I know I will find it again tomorrow. but tonight that is gone.
we'll be okay. and I certainly don't want pity. but the next month and a half will definitely be challenging. so please as often as you think of our family, please say a prayer of healing for all of our hearts. and Aaron's body. and say a prayer for Tiny. I love you, our precious little Tiny.
Praying for your mama heart! If it helps, I think all of us mamas doubt our abilities and wonder if we could have done more/done something better. I know I do! ALL THE TIME! Praying you hear your Heavenly Father whispering in your ear that HE is enough for your family and for Tiny during this transition....and you don't have to be. Love and big hugs! P.S. I wish we lived close enough to hang out!!!
ReplyDeletepraying for you. you're amazing!!
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