no room

so it has been a while since my last blog. almost two months. this last month has been busy to say the least. we enjoyed a wonderful 5 day vacation at the beach. we came home and were thrown back in to reality head first. I had just 3 weeks until kids camp. which is easily the biggest undertaking I have ever experienced. I headed it up last year and took 100 kids and 30 volunteers to pine mountain for the week and it went really well. this year, we decided to do it twice with only 50 to 70 kids each time. we had an influx of help. I was overly confident. I got back from the beach and I scrambled. everything got done, but definitely not in the way my Columbus High teachers would have hoped with their many TMA's (time management activities).
in the midst of all of this, my sweet, strong, dependable right hand man of a husband decided to get a pinched nerve in his neck that causes pain when he moves his arm, drives, coughs or does anything really. how rude right? seriously. it kills me to see him in pain. unfortunately for him, I have never been super nurturing in times like this. but in the past month I have simply had no room. I sleep like a rock. every morning I wake up to a trail of places where he tried to sleep but to no avail. couch pillows out of place. the spare bed unmade. the chair upstairs still reclined. all while I slept with no knowledge of his struggle.
camp was also my last official time working with my "supervisor" at church. he was my youth director 11 years ago. I was on the committee that hired him. we really couldn't have been more opposite. but working with him for a year and a half was an experience that I wouldn't trade. I knew this was coming for far too long. but I still avoided the reality of it. Sunday after camp came and he wasn't there. it felt so much like Aaron's experiences at night. everything that happened throughout the day was a reminder that Shannon wouldn't be there any more. to solve my problems. to fill in my gaps. to be my IT support. to be my support and grace. I moved from one area of the church to the next for one reason or another. and still the reality of his abscence was there. no room for anything else.
now I am in the middle of not knowing what the future holds for me or St. Mark or my position there. in the midst of all this, I still work at the salon. it is supposed to be two days a week, but in the midst of all of my other craziness, I end up missing days to be on vacation or at camp. so when I am there I play catch up and stay as long as I can. but then there are still clients calling and still no room.
and of course we still have our 4 boys. our oldest have their long awaited tpr hearing on Friday. that will be the day that they become legally adoptable. it is also the day that their mother will no longer legally be their mother. my heart wants to rejoice for us and also break for her. but yet again there is no room.
our 3rd boy is a daily dilemma. we have no idea where dfcs is headed with his case. court was cancelled and not rescheduled. we constantly feel like we come up short when trying to provide for his needs. our hearts ache for him to be with his family. we want him to be whole. we want to give up. we want to try again. we still end up feeling like there is no room.
our baby boy has us all wrapped. he is truly precious and adorable. his future is also as clear as mud. he seems so happy with us. the idea of him having to leave petrifies me. but it is a very distinct possibility that I try to remind myself of so that maybe if that day comes it will hurt a little less? because I guarded my heart? anyone who has ever been here knows there is no room for that either.
some nights, Aaron and I lay in bed and talk. it isn't near as frequent as it used to be, but I treasure those conversations. we talk of vacation destinations and what our next house will be like. he also likes to bring up the newest dumptrucks he found on the government liquidation websites that he could use to buy and sell lots of metal. cause that's what dreams are made of. and sometimes we talk about more kids. yep. we know it is somewhere God is calling us at some point. but right now. emotionally. physically. mentally. we have no room.

today is the day I have been looking forward to for a month. in the midst of all of this chaos, my house and my car is a mess. I am by no standards a neat freak. but when things are this messy. I truly can't function. I was not scheduled to work until 4 today due to the salon being closed for a training. that meant a good 7 hours, home alone to get this place into shape. and then of course I woke up this morning with a throat so swollen and sore, I could hardly breathe. after doing my best to get the kids to school. I went to urgent care and sure enough, tested possitive for strep. seriously. there is certainly no room for this either.
so as I spend today on the couch, reflecting on my life, of course I am finding a theme. life lately has no doubt been hard. but in the midst of all of it, we have so much joy. I love spending time by the pool with all 5 of my boys. I could not be more thrilled for Shannon and this next chapter of his life. and the future without him is terrifying. but I know great things await us. I love doing hair and the clients that I get to bond with. in the midst of a life with no room for anything, I know that God is at work. He is going to do wonderful and amazing things in the days ahead. and for that I am so grateful. it would be really amazing if I came home tomorrow and my house was clean. but I know in time, that too will be taken care of.