a letter for smalls

dear smalls,
I wrote your big brother a letter like this 6 months ago (in case you missed it:a letter for biggie ). we were faced with the harsh reality that he could leave us. I was terrified. so was Aaron. thankfully, the "relative" they wanted to place him with, wasn't actually a relative at all. we have been breathing a little easier since that day.
and then we got some information this week. we may be in a similar situation with you. someone has come out of the woodwork. as far as we know, they have never even met you. but they have reason to believe they are your relative. so here we go again. you will have a dna test April 5th (provided they aren't out of swabs). this caught us all by surprise. from day one, we have been told "he has family, but they aren't interested." now someone else is claiming to be family. the wonderful thing in all of this is how much strength and grace and faith God gave us in this experience with your brother. of course the news was a swift kick in the gut at first. but we are choosing joy and faith. faith that God has brought you this far and will continue to care for you.
but anyway. back to your letter. I really hope that one day, I am able to give this to you. if not, hopefully you will still find it. the first day you came to us, you were only 2. you were so guarded and tough. you had big walls around your little heart. it was probably the 5th time you had moved that year. and loving you was hard work. you had been loved and cared for consistently and intensely by a very wonderful family. they were very good to you. you knew your worth. and you weren't going to let just any one in. you had just enough exposure to know that not everyone was this wonderful. and we had to prove our worth to you.
but in time, the walls came down. and we got to see your sweet and beautiful heart. you are so bright and observant. you pick up on everything. when you hear a new, big word, you love the opportunity to use it. you know exactly how to charm a room. you also know exactly how to push buttons and tick people off. I know your strength will carry you so far. my hope for you, is that you will remember the weak. that you will be gentle and compassionate and share your strength.
I also hope you keep your goals high. you told me 6 months ago that you wanted to "go to college and play basketball like Michael Jordan!" (you have watched a little too much Space Jam). I hope you do that. I hope you follow your dreams and that you live up to your full potential.
you love church and Bible stories and all that is involved with that. I hope that love only grows stronger.
I hope you always know who Aaron and I are and how much we love you.
but more importantly, I hope you always know your brothers. you have a foster bother who lives with us, as well as a half brother that lives separately but that you see at least 5 days a week. I hope you keep in touch with them. but I also hope that regardless of what is decided this summer, that you get to stay with your half brother that you have lived with for the bulk of your life. he is only 14 months older than you and the bond you share is amazingly beautiful. you are so different yet so close. I hope to have the honor and privileged to watch you grow up together.
in 10 days, you will be 4 years old. and just 6-8 weeks after that, we will go back to court and hopefully get some insight into what your future will be like. regardless of what happens in that courtroom,  my prayer is that your strength and love will remain and that the decision that will be made is the one that is the absolute best for your well being. I hope that even if 20 years from now, I am nothing more than a faint memory for you, that you will know the Lord and His love.  and that you have placed your future and your life in His hands. as for now, that is what I am choosing for you. it is the most wonderful place for you to be.
guess what?! I love you!
Sarah Jane